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Sunday, December 30, 2012

Chapter One

I don't know where to begin.

I've spent the past couple of days sick, writhing in bed over stomach cramps and other moments, moving about around the house. It comes and goes like the rainfall lately. For Christmas day, I spent the whole day laying down in bed watching a Korean drama. I had entirely forgotten about the over-romanticized dramas from South Korea during my last semester at school. A distant aunt that I met during my last visit there became penpals with me. We had barely anything to talk about then and we have barely anything to talk about now. My hopes for this drama is not only to be minimally entertained, but to be able to write slightly more entertaining and relatable letters back to my persistent aunt who doesn't have much opportunity to get out of the house.

This has indeed been a strange and glum way to start off my permanent break. That's what I've been calling post-graduation-- my permanent break. It's somewhat of a little joke I produced thinking how I have said "winter break" or "summer break"my entire life. Then I hit the threshold to institutionalized education freedom and I realize I am essentially on break for however long I want.

Currently, I am sitting here, legs crossed on my sponge of a twin size bed with a towel wrapped around my damp hair. I always force myself to take showers during sickness at times where I feel most alive. By alive, I mean functional and by no means excited to be here. I always feel better after the shower, but getting myself to go and actually take one when you feel the stubborn churns in your stomach bringing you into a fetal position is another story. I'm surprised I haven't just gotten into fetal position in the shower yet... I somehow manage to overcome my lethargy for 5 minutes when I start thinking about the water bill that I don't even pay for.

Anyway... I found myself restless yesterday night and did something I haven't done in a long time. Actually, it takes me back to my sophomore year of college. At some point in time, I habitually found myself on Yahoo Answers finding questions that I thought I had a decent answer to and answering them-- wholeheartedly. I didn't know why I was doing this or why I enjoyed it but I found it more entertaining than youtube at the time. But there I was again-- this time just in the Psychology section-- answering all of these life decision/crossroads questions.

It then occurred to me how much I enjoyed counseling people and that I had put a plug on grad school research and GRE studies intentionally none the least but with more generosity than I should have.

"-ould" words upset me.
Should have, could have, would have... they all spell out indecisive regret and that's not what I want from life... none of us do.

But every time I think about grad school and how I'm getting there, I feel aversion. I'm finally "free" to pursue whatever I want and yet, I feel a layer of wrong in everything I do. Oh the arts, oh the guitar, oh seeing my friends... which all has been and will be undeniably memorable... seem to come second on my to-do list after career research but come first when it comes to action. I can't help myself. I had a legitimate excuse during the semester with a full credit semester and a busy art shop taking up all my little extra time and now... I have nothing decent to hide behind. Now, I stand here with bare hands and swamped mind.

Which brings me back to Yahoo answers... Why do I need to be educated in helping people? To properly help them? Yeah, probably. But why do I need to pay to learn for 2-6 years to yearn a piece of paper that credit me authority to the public? Why can't there be another route where people can learn to respect my earnest wanting to listen and provide a relationship to confide in? Why?

Geez. I know the answers. They aren't really answers but "because..." statements that follow life's systematic layout of education and careers. I guess if I really want to make a decent living while still pursuing becoming a therapist, this is a route I will need to take eventually to get to a place where people can find me more easily and more willingly. Even if I'm not thrilled by this idea of having to go through grad school applications, in the end, I would be getting what I want.

But I want something beyond that-- something I can do right now... something I did alone or at least without a Master's degree. I want a stamp of approval saying I made something happen that didn't involve following the system-- that didn't involve society's standards of approval first. But now I digress... into a whole other can of slippery worms.  I just wish I could go fishing with that can and find better opportunities in life-- better fish--that I know exist in the sea. And I can do that now if I wanted to... take a chance-- take a risk. Better to now when I'm young and willing than when I'm old and set in my ways right?

So I decided I need a happy medium. I know me best and I can't fight off this temptation to want to be a rebel before settling the big kid stuff. Maybe this middle route will take me to places I have never known... places where big kids work and play at the same time. Who knows...

Maybe this is it.

2 comments:

  1. Starting the "permanent break" is one of the most difficult times, I think. You'll get through it. And I'm excited to see what your Chapter Two brings. I think if you choose the grad school applications, you'll be glad you went through the process and got it over with. I should've done them, but I didn't. And an older, wiser woman told me it was easier to do right after graduation than to wait. So I give her advice to you. Good luck with whatever it is that you choose. The next chapter is bound to be great, either way!
    ~Kim

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  2. Aw Kim! Your comment brings me joy! Plus.. someone read this 0__0;; haha. I will keep the world posted... I'm hoping for great things as well..

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