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Tuesday, March 3, 2015

March: Self- Reflection


Wow. It's really hard to believe that it's already March.

That I'm past the early 20's and quickly shifting into the mid 20's.
That one of my friends are getting married,
That one of my other friends is having a baby.
Wow.

So... I haven't done a reflection post in a while. This was me-- 5 years ago.

July 27, 2010 (a letter to a friend)

Sum up my last month— 

" Practical to dramatic ambitions harbored by my free time. My free time.. I have been… feeling a need to be alone more and more each and everyday. I have my phases of wanting company and solitude. We’ve discussed that. That’s actually all I thought about when I read your lonerism section. It didn’t exactly correspond but my brain kept wandering. "

August 23, 2010

It made me feel extra old and stubborn after all the discussions I had with friends about relationships, marriage, and children. My career options waver in my head and I feel like everyone out there is just pressuring me to make up my mind. I felt the aging this year..last week… today. It’s prevalent everywhere I go and every time I think back on something. And to think I stopped counting my age at 17… which sounds so young. I feel like I have lived a full life already. Odd huh? We’ll see if anything feels different at 21.
I came into GA with one of those mindsets… and I think ever since… I just can’t settle down here with people. I limit myself and put up walls. Sigh.

This semester seems so experimental. It’s like my first semester knowing what the school fully looks like and knowing what to expect. I see freshmen asking for directions and I smile thinking that was me a year ago. At the same time, where the hell did all that time exactly go? 

Trying to be ambitious but productive. I’ve always been ambitious but it never plays out the way I want it to. 

This semester is experimental.  —— 4/13/2012

It’s good to know I am myself 24/7 and not some times or when I feel like trying. 
It sounds so odd saying that but it happened and it still does to people/myself from time to time. 

Who else should you be but you? Yet, if I look at me two years ago, being someone else looked so easy. I just hope I never forget how awful it felt to want to be alone all the time. That’s not solitude, that’s nonexistence.

Today-- 3/3/2015

I know that I've always been mature for my age but reading what I wrote five years ago is like looking at fetus Dana. There it is... that somewhat apprehensive and smug comment about how I feel like I've "lived" already and how I felt aloof from the world. It's so strange to me because that was when I started college and eventually got my degree in Psychology. Even though plenty of people around me think my degree was useless, I know that it changed everything. I got to know myself so well on so many levels that I get others that much better. And that's why I know it's worth it make relationships and have friends. That we're not meant to be alone.

As for being an adult and feeling like one, I'm slowly feeling the impact of what kind of responsibilities will come with being a full fledged adult. If I put it into one word, it's unfortunately the sad sad word "bills". I don't believe life should be about waking, working, sleeping and starting this dreadful list all over the very next day. But it's sometimes unfathomable to think that there is a way to make life happen while trying to make stability happen. They aren't polar opposites but stability is tediously structured and regulated for us to work. save, and even compromise our selfish pursuits. Yet being an adventurer and making memories at the right time and place requires us to compromise that very structure to be selfish in many ways. This sort of balance I seek for my future is were I am at today on March the 3rd. It's not really a balance because it seems like a choice. But I still have time to figure it out. Maybe there is a way to have both. I hope there is.

I know that the choice I make is the path that will make me happy and it won't feel like a compromise because I wanted it. I'm just very curious as to what that choice will be for me in the future.
Oh future Dana, life will be full of surprises.


3 comments:

  1. Life indeed will be full of surprises, but you are doing FABULOUSLY!

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's always good to self-reflect

    ReplyDelete

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